Welcome back to our Blog Series on attachment styles! This week’s posting will describe secure attachment and how it manifests in adulthood. Classical psychology teaches that many securely attached individuals developed their attachment based on their childhood being a safe place to explore and develop intimacy. It is important to note that while many of us can have what we refer to as a “good” childhood, individual temperaments and life events might cause our attachment style to change as we meet adulthood.
Individuals with secure attachment styles are often comfortable in intimacy, can regulate their emotions, communicate effectively, are trusting, and are comfortable being with others and alone. As you can imagine a secure attachment can manifest in both the personal and professional world. A person with a secure attachment style feels comfortable addressing their needs and you generally know where you stand with them. They are often empathetic, warm, and respect others’ boundaries. Many clients who are in securely attached relationships describe their partnerships as “safe”, “loving”, and “caring.”
Where people run into trouble is when they might categorize these safe, loving interactions as “boring” and therefore seek a partner who is less consistent. It is important to note that generally we are not intentionally seeking to self sabotage, however, are guided towards what our internal temperament generally is used to. A person with an anxious or avoidant attachment style might unintentionally disregard a potentially secure partner due to the fact that there isn’t “as much passion” as they are used to. The irony though, is that generally passion often is followed by relationship conflict. What psychology generally finds is that "like attracts like"; ie: Securely attached people will generally bond with other securely attached individuals.
If you recognize that you are an anxious or avoidantly attached person and would like to improve your attachment style, therapy can be a great place to start! Therapists are trained to explore and identify childhood issues that may be the root of what has influenced an avoidant or anxious attachment. Please reach out to schedule an appointment with Alli or one of our other skilled clinicians at 561-961-9077